Elizabeth Warren Bows Out Gracefully, While Trump Spreads Dangerous Coronavirus Misinformation


WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ANOTHER CANDIDATE HAS DROPPED OUT OF THE DEMOCRATIC RACE. AND WE’RE GETTING A CLEARER
PICTURE OF AMERICA’S FUTURE AND IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE AMERICA’S
PAST. ( LAUGHTER )
I’LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT’S EDITION OF
♪>>I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT. BEAT TRUMP. CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE! AAAHHH! BING, BING, BONG, BONG.>>FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE
2020!>>COME ON! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )>>Stephen: FOLKS, I’M AFRAID
I HAVE SAD NEWS FOR FANS OF COMPETENCE, BECAUSE FRIEND OF
THE SHOW, ELIZABETH WARREN HAS DROPPED OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL
RACE. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THE ONE-TIME FRONTRUNNER, WARREN MADE THE CLASSIC CAMPAIGN
MISTAKE OF BEING ABLE TO FINISH A COHERENT SENTENCE AND NOT
HAVING A PENIS. ( LAUGHTER )
WARREN IS GONE. THAT’S IT. SHE’S OUT OF THE RACE. FURTHER PROOF THAT AMERICA CAN
NOT HAVE NICE THINGS. SHE HAD A PLAN FOR EVERYTHING: A
HEALTHCARE PLAN, AN IMMIGRATION PLAN, A STUDENT LOAN PLAN, AND
HER MOST POPULAR PLAN, KNEECAP MICHAEL BLOOMBERG WITH A CROQUET
MALLET. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>Jon: OH! HUH-OH! ( PIANO RIFF )
>>Stephen: HOLD STILL! TA-TA! ( LAUGHTER )
NOT SURPRISINGLY, WARREN WAS GRACIOUS AND ELOQUENT,
REPORTEDLY TELLING HER STAFF “I WILL CARRY YOU IN MY HEART
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. IF I LEAVE YOU WITH ONE PIECE OF
ADVICE: CHOOSE TO FIGHT ONLY RIGHTEOUS FIGHTS.” THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS. IT’S REALLY LOVELY. BUT FEAR NOT, WARREN FANS. JOE BIDEN IS SURE TO CONTINUE
THAT FIGHT WITH HIS RIGHTEOUS MESSAGE OF “YABBA DABBA
DEMOCRATS! LIFELONG– MAMA SEE MAMA SA MAMA
KOO SA! COME ON!”
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERING )
( PIANO RIFF ) WHEN SHE ADDRESSED THE PRESS,
WARREN LAMENTED HOW THE NARRATIVE OF THIS PRIMARY
SEEMED TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN ADVANCE.>>I WAS TOLD AT THE BEGINNING
OF THIS WHOLE UNDERTAKING THAT THERE ARE TWO LANES, A
PROGRESSIVE LANE THAT BERNIE SANDERS IS THE INCUMBENT FOR AND
A MODERATE LANE JOE BIDEN IS THE INCUMBENT FOR AND THERE’S NO
ROOM FOR ANYONE ELSE IN THIS. I THOUGHT THAT WASN’T RIGHT. BUT EVIDENTLY I WAS WRONG.>>STEPHEN: DESPITE HER BEST
EFFORT, THAT DEMOCRATIC ROAD STILL HAS JUST TWO LANES. AND TWO DRIVERS WHO PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE THEIR KEYS TAKEN AWAY. ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY? EYES ARE JUST GOING. GET A GOLF CART. GET A GOLF CART. AT ONE POINT, WARREN WAS ASKED
ABOUT THE YOUNG WOMEN AND GIRLS WHO LOOK UP TO HER:
>>I WONDER WHAT YOUR MESSAGE WOULD BE TO THE WOMEN
AND GIRLS WHO FEEL LIKE WE’RE LEFT WITH TWO WHITE MEN TO
DECIDE BETWEEN.>>I KNOW! ONE OF THE HARDEST PARTS OF THIS
IS ALL THOSE PINKY PROMISES. ALL THOSE LITTLE GIRLS WERE
GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT FOUR MORE YEARS.>>STEPHEN: HAPPY, AMERICA? YOU MADE ELIZABETH WARREN
BREAK HER PINKY PROMISE. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW SHE HAS TO HOPE TO DIE AND STICK A NEEDLE IN HER EYE! ( LAUGHTER )
WARREN WAS ALSO ASKED WHETHER SEXISM MIGHT HAVE PLAYED A ROLE
IN HER CAMPAIGN’S ENDING.>>GENDER IN THIS RACE, THAT IS
THE TRAP QUESTION FOR EVERY WOMAN. IF YOU SAY YEAH THERE WAS
SEXISM IN THIS RACE, EVERYONE SAYS “WHINER.” AND IF YOU SAY NO THERE WAS NO
SEXISM, ABOUT A BAZILLION WOMEN THINK, “WHAT PLANET DO YOU LIVE
ON?” I’LL PROMISE YOU THIS, I’LL HAVE
A LOT MORE TO SAY ON THAT SUBJECT LATER ON.>>STEPHEN: AND I’M GUESSING
MOST OF IT WILL BE BLEEPED. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN WARREN WAS ASKED WHETHER SHE WOULD BE ENDORSING EITHER
BIDEN OR SANDERS. HERE’S WHAT SHE SAID:
>>LET’S TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND SPEND A LITTLE TIME, WE DON’T
HAVE TO DECIDE THAT THIS MINUTE.>>STEPHEN: OKAY, SHE’S RIGHT,
LET’S JUST ALL JUST TAKE A DEEP BREATH. AND HOLD IT UNTIL THE
CORONAVIRUS IS GONE. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW THERE’S GOING TO BE A FIERCE BATTLE BETWEEN BIDEN AND
SANDERS FOR ELIZABETH WARREN. (AS BERNIE)
“LIZ, I’M SORRY I CALLED YOU A LIAR. PLEASE, MY HEART CAN’T TAKE MUCH
MORE OF THIS. THAT’S DOCTOR’S ORDERS. I GUESS WHAT I’M SAYING IS YOU
COMPLETE ME. LITERALLY. I NEED AN ORGAN DONOR. IN YOUR EYES! THE LIGHT! THE HEAT! YOUR EYES!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT BIDEN’S NOT GOING TO GIVE UP
WITHOUT A FIGHT. (AS BIDEN)
“DON’T LISTEN TO HIM, LIZZIE. AFTER ALL, YOU ARE MY COUSIN. OH WAIT, THEY SWITCHED EM’ ON
ME. POINT IS, I WANT YOU TO ENDORSE
ME FOR U.S. SENATE. NO, I MEAN THAT!”
( LAUGHTER ) AS THEY WAITED FOR WARREN’S
ANNOUNCEMENT, THE PRESS CAPED OUT ON HER LAWN, AND ONE
REPORTER SNAPPED THIS PICTURE OF HER DOG. BAILEY. AWWW. LOOK AT THAT FACE. DANG, THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HER
CAMPAIGN SLOGAN ALL ALONG: “VOTE FOR ELIZABETH WARREN OR
YOU’LL MAKE A DOG SAD.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT LIKE A LOT OF US, BAILEY IS
A STRESS EATER, BECAUSE AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT, WARREN’S PRESS
SECRETARY GABRIELLE FARRELL POSTED ON TWITTER
“BAILEY LEGIT JUST SWIPED SOMEONE’S BURRITO.” ( LAUGHTER )
ALONG WITH FOOTAGE OF STAFFERS TRYING TO GET THE TEX-MEX FROM
HIS MAW. YES, IT’S YOUR BURRITO, BUT
BAILEY HAS A PLAN FOR THAT. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: OH, OH, A PLAN! A MASTER PLAN! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT’S TIME —
>>Jon: COME ON, GIVE ME THAT.>>Stephen: — TODAY, WE ARE
ALL BAILEY. SO IT’S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE TO
ELIZABETH WARREN. OH, HERE COMES HER HORSE. RIDE LIZZY! RIDE! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) SO NOW ITS DOWN TO BIDEN AND
SANDERS. SHOWDOWN AT HIGH NOON. RIGHT BEFORE THEY BOTH EAT
DINNER. ( LAUGHTER )
EITHER ONE OF THEM WOULD BE THE OLDEST PRESIDENT IN U.S. HISTORY, SO IT’S GOING TO BE
IMPORTANT THEY CHOOSE A RUNNING MATE THAT IS EXPERIENCED, YET
SEEMS A LOT YOUNGER. SO… JIMMY CARTER. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE OTHER BIG STORY IS STILL THE
CORONAVIRUS. IT’S ALL ANYBODY’S TALKING
ABOUT. YOU COULD SAY, AMERICA HAS
CORONAVIRUS FEVER. BUT YOU SHOULDN’T. THAT WOULD BE IN POOR TASTE. HOW DARE YOU? I’LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN
TONIGHT’S “GOIN’ VIRAL.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>LICK ME, I’M DELICIOUS!>>STEPHEN: THE CORONAVIRUS
CONTINUES TO SPREAD. SO FAR, THERE HAVE BEEN 210
CONFIRMED CASES IN 18 STATES WITH DOUBLE DIGIT FATALITIES. SO LAST NIGHT, DONALD TRUMP WENT
ON FOX NEWS TO LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING. SPECIFICALLY, ABOUT THE MOST
RECENT WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION ESTIMATE THAT THE GLOBAL DEATH
RATE OF CORONAVIRUS IS 3.4%. HE DISAGREED:
>>I THINK THE 3.4% IS REALLY A FALSE NUMBER. NOW, THIS IS JUST MY HUNCH.>>STEPHEN: SCIENCE IS NOT BASED
ON HUNCHES! THAT’S WHY “BILL NYE THE SCIENCE
GUY” IS MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN HIS RIVAL: “PHIL MUNCH, MAN OF
HUNCH” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) GOOD SHOW, THOUGH. A REALLY GOOD SHOW. TRUMP BACKED UP HIS FAKE HUNCH
WITH FAKE MATH.>>IT SEEMS LIKE 3 OR 4%, WHICH
IS A VERY HIGH NUMBER, AS OPPOSED TO A FRACTION OF 1%. I THINK THE NUMBER, PERSONALLY,
I WOULD SAY THE NUMBER IS WAY UNDER 1%.>>STEPHEN: THIS ISN’T “THE ART
OF THE DEAL.” YOU CAN’T NEGOTIATE WITH
SCIENCE. (AS TRUMP)
“YOU’RE SAYING I HAVE 6-8 WEEKS TO LIVE? HOW ABOUT 10-12? NINE WEEKS. FINAL OFFER OR I’M WALKING. OH, YOU’RE SAYING I WON’T BE
ABLE TO WALK?” OKAY. ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP DIDN’T JUST HAVE BAD NUMBERS. HE ALSO HAD BAD ADVICE:
>>A LOT OF PEOPLE WILL HAVE THIS AND IT IS VERY MILD. THEY WILL GET BETTER VERY
RAPIDLY, THEY DON’T EVEN SEE A DOCTOR, THEY DON’T EVEN CALL A
DOCTOR. YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT THOSE
PEOPLE. WE HAVE THOUSANDS OR HUNDREDS OF
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE THAT GET BETTER, JUST BY, YOU KNOW,
SITTING AROUND AND EVEN GOING TO WORK, SOME OF THEM GO TO WORK. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: GO TO WORK? MAYBE SOME OF THEM DO GO TO WORK
BUT THEY SHOULD GOTTEN TO WORK. BECAUSE THAT’S A GOOD WAY TO
SPREAD A PANDEMIC. TRUMP’S LIKE THE MAYOR IN
“JAWS,” BUT WORSE. (AS TRUMP)
“DON’T LISTEN TO THE SHERIFF. THE BEACHES ARE OPEN FOR SUMMER! A LOT OF PEOPLE GOING TO GET
ATTACKED BY A SHARK, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE AREN’T. YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT THE
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET CHOMPED UP. SOME OF THEM WILL GET THEIR
LEG EATEN OFF. BUT THEY’LL COME TO SHORE AND
THEY’LL GET BETTER JUST BY SITTING AROUND. THEIR LEGS WILL GROW BACK, I
HAVE A HUNCH.” ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
IT’S A MESSAGE OF HOPE, JOHN.>>Jon: MESSAGE OF HOPE? REALLY?>>Stephen: BUT MAYBE THE
WORST CORONA LIE WAS WHAT TRUMP SAID ABOUT THE
CURRENT FATALITIES.>>WHEN YOU DO HAVE A DEATH LIKE
YOU HAD IN THE STATE OF WASHINGTON, LIKE YOU HAD ONE IN
CALIFORNIA, I BELIEVE YOU HAD ONE IN NEW YORK.>>STEPHEN: NO WE DIDN’T HAVE
ONE IN NEW YORK! ( LAUGHTER )
BUT HE SAID IT, NOW AN INTERN IN THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS
GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE IT TRUE. “I’M SO SORRY. HE SAID IT ON HANNITY. STAY STILL! IT’S FOR COLLEGE CREDIT.” IT’S NOT A REAL GUN. IT’S NOT A REAL GUN. ( PIANO RIFF )
THESE ARE ANXIOUS TIMES DEMANDING SWIFT, DECISIVE
ACTION. AND FOR ONCE, CONGRESS HAS
STEPPED UP, BECAUSE, FIRST THE HOUSE, AND THEN TODAY THE
SENATE, BOTH PASSED AN $8.3 BILLION EMERGENCY SPENDING
PACKAGE TO RESPOND TO THE CORONAVIRUS OUTBREAK. DANG, WITH THAT KIND OF MONEY,
YOU COULD GO ON AMAZON AND BUY SIX FACE MASKS! ( LAUGHTER )
YES. THERE YOU GO. SECOND TIME. SECOND TIME. SOME REPUBLICANS THINK THAT $8.3
BILLION IS AN OVER-REACTION, LIKE FLORIDA CONGRRESSMAN AND
MAN THINKING, “YOU CAN’T ARREST ME FOR DRUNK DRIVING– I’M
FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN MATT GAETZ!”, MATT GAETZ. GAETZ WAS THERE FOR YESTERDAY’S
BUDGET VOTE, AND HE SHOWED UP FOR IT WEARING A GAS MASK. WELL, THAT’S ONE WAY TO PREVENT
PEOPLE FROM SMELLING THE LIQUOR ON YOUR BREATH. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN WASN’T GAETZ’S ONLY PICTURE WEARING THE GAS MASK. HERE HE IS SURROUNDED BY ALL OF
HIS FRIENDS. ( LAUGHTER )
I’D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT HE’S THE ONLY GUY WHO COULD WEAR A
GAS MASK TO WORK AND STILL HAVE THE DUMBEST PART OF HIS OUTFIT
BE HIS SHOES. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY’RE LIKE CLOWN FEET BUT THEY
DIDN’T GROW. ONE PERSON ACTUALLY TAKING THE
CORONAVIRUS SERIOUSLY IS BOND, JAMES BOND. ♪
♪ ( CHEERING )
YESTERDAY, THE NEW JAMES BOND MOVIE WAS POSTPONED OVER
CORONAVIRUS FEARS. TURNS OUT THAT WHEN THE
PRODUCERS OF THE FILM HEARD ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS, THEY WERE
SHAKEN. AND STIRRED. ( LAUGHTER )
IRONICALLY, THE FILM IS NAMED “NO TIME TO DIE.” ( LAUGHTER )
IT DIDN’T HELP THAT THE BOND GIRL IS NAMED PAM DEMIC. ( LAUGHTER )
I APPLAUD THE PRODUCERS FOR PUTTING PUBLIC HEALTH AHEAD OF
THEIR MARKETING SCHEDULE, BUT I THINK THEY CAN DO MORE. THAT’S WHY I’M CALLING ON THEM
TO RELEASE A NEW VERSION OF ONE OF THEIR CLASSIC SONGS:
“WASH FINGERS!” ( LAUGHTER )
♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SERIOUSLY, WASH YOUR FINGERS. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. KEITH URBAN IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
“MEANWHILE!” STICK AROUND!

36 Comments

  • I respect Elizabeth Warren and she is probably the closest thing to Sanders and would have made a fine contestant against Trump. But the sexism part… really? It is funny when we all know there are just as many women around maybe more than males, but she does not get more votes than the two guys running against her. So how can this be? If this was down to sexism than I fear that your sense of reality might be a little skewed.

  • Sorry, but the Biden skits are getting old and annoying.

  • warren tells lies, lots of them. Not good idea to vote for her.

  • I am a senior citizen but believe in mandatory retirement based on cognitive functioning. VP Biden doesn't seem up to the task although he is a lovely man. I can't see my 18-year-old granddaughter getting excited enough to vote for him and she has been campaigning since Howard Dean ran. It's time for the gen x – gen zs to have a candidate who reflects their values. It almost seems as if the DNC determines who the presidential candidate will be by constantly bring up the "electability" thing.

  • It is funny how South-Africa take the corona virus more seriously than
    America. We have 1 confirmed case so far. The lack of resources will
    probably make it difficult to contain the virus but who knows, this is a
    country of miracles.

  • Trump’s lies about Covid 19 are both bizarre and understandable at the same time.

    One the one hand, there’s the obvious. Lying about it doesn’t make the disease go away, or the people who died less dead. He thinks he’ll head off things like the stock market drop if he lies hard enough, but can’t fathom that not only is that impossible, denial is going to make our situation worse.

    The understandable part is that Trump doesn’t just lie to others, he clearly lies to himself. He’s so locked into this habit of denying reality, he can’t grasp that hand waving isn’t going to work this time.

  • Watching Colbert drunk with Vegemite on toast is an excellent pairing

  • Well now we know who Colbert supported lol

  • Dear USA, your leader is literally telling you to die and not make a big fuss about it!!! In France last time that happened they guillotined their leader's head off and his wife too for good measure. USA Wake the Fck up.

  • Pocahontas won’t be Chief of the tribe it seems

  • Please vote for the democrat that wins, whoever is it. Vote with your heart in the primaries, but please vote for decency in november. Sincerely, a european

  • Thats coz u not a progressive lizzy. You sold your soul to the dnc corporatists.

  • Competent? At being two faced and walking back her progressive positions after getting endorsements from progressive groups. Yes.
    She just proved it – she came out saying she was more progressive a year ago, and now just admitted that she wasn't. TWO FACED.

  • Hunch from the "stable-genius"

  • That was priceless!

  • My only question is why there are people trying to take a burrito away from a dog who has clearly claimed rights to the burrito. LET IT BE for Pete's sake! The dog already has it! Using your hands to rip it from its mouth is just 100% stupid! Next time don't have a dog near low laying easy to access burritos or just don't have low laying easy to access burritos anywhere in the vicinity!

  • Garbage. Just vote Bernie and forget the rhetoric.

  • What are you talking about? Support a candidate just because of their gender! What is going on?

  • Coming Soon – Warren will join Sarah Palin and Hillary in a triple-threat "Blame everyone else but us" book tour of one-time Republican women.
    Yes, they all blame everyone else but themselves, I guess once you have Republican traits – you just can't get rid of them.

  • For God's sake, the U.S. president is an imbecile.

  • I've lost so much respect for Warren over the course of her campaign. From her suddenly remembering Bernie was a sexist when he happened to consolidate most of the progressives and then flip-flopping on her promise not to take corporate PAC money saying that everyone has been doing it and basically equating PACs from students and nurses with dirty money. And now she's blaming the 2 lanes and sexism for why she couldn't win. There were no 2 lanes a couple months back when she was the national frontrunner. So instead of just blaming the voters, she could have thrown some humility and introspection in the mix. If she just keeps assuming she did everything perfect, then the only thing that will happen in 4 years is that she'll break her pinkie promises again.

  • Dammit Lizzie. She's a badass and would've been such an amazing first woman president.

  • Elizabeth Warren seems happy to blame the end of her campaign on outside forces, including lack of a “third political lane” and “misogyny”. She doesn’t seem to understand, or maybe just won’t publicly acknowledge, the fact that her own shortcomings as a candidate was really what let her down in the end.

  • We are talking about the person who falsely accused another person of sexism right? Just because she's a woman, she's not automatically a good person.
    The fact that both Biden and Sanders' campaigns expect and hope for an endorsement from her, shows you how UNPRINCIPLED she is. She's such a fake person, it's good that she dropped out.

  • I wonder if the old people that vote for matt gaetz realize he doesn't care

  • im sorry to see her drop out, i wish it would of been a contest between Bernie and her, not Biden

  • Did he just encourage his base to not visit a doctor and go to work if they get the corona virus?
    I mean, I know we talked about him not wanting to be president but that's a pretty savage way to cut down your voter base…

  • Its sad that we will have to say goodbye to kate McKinnon's warren impression

  • Sanders should offer her the ticket! They complete each other with her being more moderate while still being progressive. Come on, they would reunite a lot of voters! The stronger progressive and the more moderate. This could bring the medium voters to sanders rather than the out-of-step Biden who has a lighter version of Trump's "telling a lie" syndrome. Arrested with Nelson Mandela??? Really??? Was that while he was walking with Martin Luther King Jr.??? These may be epic events that happened during his life that now in retrospect he wishes he had been a part of, if he had been braver, and less of an entitled white man. Do you want another President who tells lies, owes money to corporate companies (like the fossil fuel people) and who is so close to the Republicans as makes hardly any difference???

  • “… message would be to the woman and girls who feel we’re left with two white man to decide between”
    Seriously? Can that sentence be more sexist? Just image two woman would have been left and one asked the same thing just flipped.
    It is not important what’s between your legs, what’s the colour of your skin or whom you fancy. That is unimportant for basically anything. Stop making a big deal about it, else those problems won’t ever go away.

  • Thats why you are not the one who decides Stephen Colbert!

  • I lost a lot of respect for Warren after how aggressive she was in debates. It's a Trumpian tactic to spread rumors and present them off as fact. I don't think America needs another person who dips their toes in the pool of sensationalism. Warren seemed like the best candidate until the debates. Democrats should also stop flinging dirt on each other. They'll never beat that orange turd this way

  • Bye bye lying Liz

  • Americans are truly easily fooled, they could have had a competent technocrat leader. Instead you're going to get a variant of a barely coherent Grandpa who molests women.

  • so why tf did she drop out?

  • What about Tulsi Gabbard?

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